Top 10 Things I’ve Heard As A Writer (and what I’d LOVE to say back)

If you read this blog regularly, you’ve noticed my last, oh,
a dozen or so posts have been rambling and melancholy bits about life. So I
decided to do a fun top ten list to change things up a bit.
Last week I was at an event helping to sell books (the Celebrate Recovery summit at Saddleback Church in California). I was
fortunate to meet a lot of people and hear comments about the books Never
Let Go
and Home Run. This made me think of the top things I’ve been
told/asked since having my first book published in 2000. I made a list of ten
of those things and replies I’d love to give (expect sarcasm). 
#1: Is that your real name or a pen name? 
No, my real name is Butch Longbow Heartblood. We just all
thought it might be a little too much on the cover of a book. 
#2: You’re so young to be a writer!
Thanks. Do they let you read novels at the old folks
#3. I can’t believe you’ve written all those books! 
Actually, I haven’t. I have a twin brother named
Traverse. He writes the really crappy stuff. 
#4. Where do get your ideas from?
There’s a cute little shop in downtown Batavia where I
work. It’s called
Creative Ideas Inc. I
try to buy them by the dozen.
#5. Is this a true story?
Yes, it actually happens to be 100% true. Don’t mind that
word NOVEL on the cover. Or the whole description on the back cover about
some made up character. This totally happened.
#6. Oh, wait . . 
wrote this?
Yes. I know I might seem quite dense after talking with
you for ten minutes, but rest assured, I’m taking notes, and the next character I kill
off in my story will be based on YOU.
#7. I have so many books that I just can’t buy another.
So wait. . . you’re saying my baby is ugly?
#8.  Is this
your first book?
Yep. Those 25 others don’t count. Just this one.
#9. Oh, so you’re a Christian author?
Yes, and I’d really like for you to read my stuff since
you’re a sinner and I’m desperately trying to help save your soul.
#10. I just LOVED this book and couldn’t stop until I
finished it!
Tell that to the moron who gave me one freaking star on
Amazon. Let’s go hunt him down. Now.